Wear the PimpMyCruise logo proudly! It is an invitation that can be directed at anyone... crew, staff, fellow cruisers... even a travel agent... to pimp your cruise in any way consistent with their position.
The great adventure begins... Messing about with cruise ships began in 1973 in the port of San
Francisco. In the spring of that year, I was earning a comfortable living "busking" (performing on the street for tips) - usually at Fisherman's Wharf and the
theater district.
One afternoon after several profitable sets on the center stage
in the courtyard of the Cannery, my street music buddies and I were
stretched out on the Marina Green,
counting and dividing up our loot, when three
young crew men of Pakistani descent
approached. They invited us to return with them
to their ship for a jam session. Expecting a
funky old freighter or container ship, we were
pleasantly surprised when it turned out to
be a big beautiful white British cruise
ship (the Spirit of London, later renamed
the Sun Princess...later to gain fame as TV's Love
Boat).
Walking down the pier in the most worldly, nonchalant manner I could
muster - tough to do for a transplant from Arkansas - I
was unable to suppress a deer-in-the-headlights stare - being in
proximity to the largest, most massive piece of machinery I'd
ever seen that did not display the John Deere logo.
Once on board we headed for crew accommodations, passing thru a 500
seat state-of-the-art showroom. Our new found friends kept saying
in heavily accented English "You play here! You play
here!" This got me thinking. Maybe I could get paid to ride one these floating
pleasure palaces.
The plot thickens...
Back ashore I looked up the phone number of the company (P & O
Lines), got the entertainment director on the line and found
that they were, indeed, in the market for a musical comedy duo.
At the time, performing was either a solo affair or as banjo picker
in a Bluegrass band, so the duo aspect presented
a bit of a challenge. But I knew a possible solution. James
Nesbit Kolb was a local standup
comedian who also played guitar and sang. (Hey buddy - it's
me, Hogbody ! We need to reconnect - if you're
reading this...)
Pitching the idea to Jim, I suggested that we put an act together
and audition for the gig. But, being the fly-by-the-seat-of-the-pants
guy that he was, he countered with the suggestion that we audition
for the gig first, then put the act together - if accepted.
Our total audition preparation consisted of me sitting in one evening
at his local club gig, basically filling the role of his straight
man/side man (on banjo and guitar).
Looking and sounding like a Redneck version of the Smothers
Brothers,
we taped a couple of songs in a live club venue (the Mother
Lode on Union Street), had a
photographer snap pictures of the two of us on stage and sent the
package to the cruise line.
What the (bleep) do we do now?...
Much to our surprise, they offered us a contract,
starting immediately. That was all well and good, but there was one
problem - we
didn't have an act. This small detail made me nervous...but
was "not a problem" according to my new partner - we'd
just have to wing it.. make it up as we go.
Thus began my on-again, off-again career as a cruise ship entertainer.
Looking for love in all the wrong places...
During this 15-year period - ship gigs saw me working in one capacity
or another on Carnival, Norwegian, Royal Caribbean, Holland
America, Princess, Sitmar, Royal, Royal Viking, P & O, Paquet
Lines, Eastern Steamship and Pacific Far East Lines.
Initially, several variations of shipboard employment were tested,
such as a multi-duty jobs as staff member/entertainer with Carnival & Paquet;
another as band leader (Eastern Steamship Company),
once as a solo lounge performer (Western Steamship Company)
and one time as entertainer/shore excursion guide in the Mediterranean on Royal
Cruise Lines.
Finding the right groove...
But nothing beat the employment designation of Featured Act.
It meant the best accommodations, best money, backup orchestras at
your disposal...and
the lightest work load of all...maybe only two or three shows
per week! From then on it was "featured act" or nothing.
End of an era...
In summary - working ships was a thoroughly pimped
experience - I
was privileged to live and work with thousands of very interesting
people - some of whom remain in touch. I also saw much of the world,
every nook and cranny of the Caribbean - made
good money - met
more than a few celebrities - ingested copious amounts of outstandingly
good food - had too many drinks bought for me by overly generous
passengers, staff and fellow entertainers - with whom many great
adventures were shared - too numerous to tell here. (One of these
days, over drinks in the Lido Bar..)
Time to Grow Up...
But Pee Wee Herman, I'm not. We all
have to grow up some day. By age 38 I'd had enough and was
ready to settle down.
Too many late nights...
Weary of the constant travel required of the entertainer/musician
lifestyle, the next career phase was owner/manager of a Cruise
Only travel agency in North Dallas This
quickly grew to include other basic agency functions such as airline
tickets, hotels, car rentals, etc. and the hiring of associated staff
to handle the workload.
With the exception of meeting my soul mate (on
a blind date no less...how pimped is that!), getting married and starting a family - this 25-year
long 'agency owner' phase of life was relatively un-pimped. There
was way too much of that 9 to 5 drill - fixed schedules - cranky
clients - employees to coddle - deadlines - payroll to
meet - now all dirty words in my book!
Truth be told...
There are nice perks to owning a travel agency - many memorable
vacations - mostly cruises - at reduced cost - indulging champagne tastes on beer budgets, etc.
Graceland, here we come...
In 1999 - in response to an employment opportunity offered to my
spouse - we pulled up stakes and moved - lock, stock and agency
- to Memphis, TN- birthplace of Rock & Roll and Home
of the Blues - where
we find ourselves today. And make no mistake about it, Memphis
is a thoroughly pimped town. From here it is easy to let the good times roll.
------------------------------------- The Edwin & Buford Show
A shipwreck waiting to happen... Mr. Kolb and I boarded the ship a few days later; having
no real act, not even a name for our act. Nor had we given any
thought to stage costumes. However, we had heard that there were
formal nights aboard ship. So, we rented tuxedos, deciding at
the last minute that this would make for suitable stage apparel.
Ten minutes before our first show, with an audience of hundreds eagerly
awaiting our debut, the
band playing warm up tunes, we were in the dressing room being interviewed by
the cruise director, the MC for
the evening.
Asking how we wished to be introduced, we just looked at each other
and shrugged. Jim said "my hero is Buford Pusser of 'Walking
Tall' fame. So I'm going to go with 'Buford' as
a stage name".
I thought to myself, well "Lyn & Buford" just doesn't
sound quite right. Then
I had a brilliant flash of insight. My middle name is "Edwin". That resonates
much better with Buford. "Edwin & Buford" - the nerd and
the redneck! Performing in tuxedos! With such an incongruous
image maybe they won't
notice that we don't have an act.
The cruise director thought it was all just a backstage put-on for
his benefit. Little did
he know!
Making a splash...
The band played us on,
looking sharp in our cut-away Armani tuxes.
I began my verbal introduction
to our first number. "Ladies
and gentlemen this first
tune is the theme song
to the movie 'Bonnie & Clyde';
two of the most notorious
thieves to ever roam the
countryside."
At that point Buford interrupted me with the following harangue: "Hold
it, Edwin. Speaking of
thieves, there is one loose on this ship! Valuables have been disappearing from
passenger's cabins. It's a shame such a thing would be allowed to occur on a
five star cruise ship such as this...but someone had to say something. Be forewarned!"
Awkward moment...
The ensuing silence was
deafening. People could
be heard whispering..."I
thought this was supposed
to be a comedy show?"
I counted off the song. As Buford's right arm went down to
strike the first guitar
chord of the first tune - twenty five pieces of silverware - borrowed
from the ship's dining room - slid from this tuxedoed sleeve, hitting the stage
floor with a loud clatter. There was deafening silence for about a three second
beat during which time the audience realized that it was all a put-on - then
came peels of laughter.
Sealed with a hiss...
That one opening gag secured
our reputation with Princess Lines. From that moment on we could
do no wrong...until the following week.
Buford could be quite vengeful when slighted, real or imagined. Getting
even was simply a matter
of aiming his ruthless, barbed wit at the unsuspecting perpetrator - usually
in a very public setting.
Sparked by a now forgotten run-in with one of the ship's British
officers - probably having to do with the contested attention
of a young female passenger
- in a subsequent show the following dialog ensued:
Buford: Hey, Edwin. Did know an old guy died during the
last cruise?
(Actually someone had died on the previous cruise - Buford's
humor was nothing if not topical.)
Edwin: No kidding? They sure did a good job of keeping
it quiet. How do you think they got the body ashore without anyone
noticing?
Buford: Simple. They just dressed him up as a ship's officer
and walked him off!
Buford had to lay low for a couple of days following that show. Apparently 'keel
hauling' is still a legal disciplinary option under British
maritime law.
Yours truly in the crosshairs...
Not surprisingly, one day
I found myself the intended victim of a Buford prank. I am not
sure what my transgression was - but it probably had to do with
my insistence that we actually develop a rehearsed act - for those
(frequent) occasions when the ad lib approach wasn't working.
Buford felt some kind of retribution was in order - for even
suggesting such a thing.
Living low on the hog...
The next day Buford returned
from a port call in Ensenada,
Mexico with a (real) hogs head in a bag...a head that looked
and smelled as if it had been several days since detached from
the rest of the hog.
While I was out on deck catching some rays, he slipped into my cabin,
placed the hog's head face
up in the toilet of my bathroom, Crazy Glued the eyelids wide open, pinned
the jowls back to expose the canine teeth, then stuffed a lit cigarette up the
nostrils to create a fire breathing effect. For maximum impact the toilet lid
was then lowered into place
so that the next person to take a leak would find themselves eyeball to eyeball
with this fire-breathing monster. Buford's erroneous assumption was that the
next person would be me.
He then tip toed back to his own cabin just down the hall - with
the door slightly ajar
- awaiting my imminent return.
International relations dust up...
Things went horribly wrong.
With the worst timing possible, along came our room steward; a
small, wiry, nervous, highly superstitious young man of East Indian decent,
trying desperately to cope with the stress of being away from
home for the first time, coping with a strange new culture - obviously
headed directly for my cabin.
Walking down the corridor myself, I was suddenly grabbed by Buford
and yanked into his cabin
where he shouted "Edwin, quick, you've
gotta get that cabin steward
out of your room! NOW!" Before
I say a word, we heard
a blood curdling scream...from the direction of my cabin.
In an explosion of blurred motion the panic stricken room steward
shot down the hallway,
leaving a trail of airborne mops and buckets. Only
an alert deck hand kept
the panicked little guy from jumping the rail - an act that surely saved us from
a charge of involuntary
manslaughter.
How can we miss you if you don't go away...
Shortly thereafter, having
had enough of our shenanigans, we were informed by Princess Lines that
our services were no longer needed. This is a phrase we were to
hear over and over again - in multiple venues from multiple cruise
lines - during the brief life of the Edwin & Buford Show.
Pimper very
disappointed in Edwin & Buford.."You guys really had a good thing going and you blew it!"
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