How to get the best seats in the showroom
How to avoid the sleepers
How to learn something (info-tainment)
Arranging private shows

How to get the best seats in the showroom -
Saving seats in the showroom is technically disallowed by the cruise lines - but people do it anyway. This is not a problem for experienced cruisers since we know that the saved seats are not likely to be the most desirable ones anyway. Intuitively, one would think that you would want to be right down front. Not so. The most desirable seats are in the balcony or near the back of the main floor. Why? First, you can sneak out without making a scene if the show is a real sleeper - something you'll definitely want to do right after the third chorus of "My Way". Secondly, the people down front are not only trapped for the duration - they are Comedian Fodder. No one looks forward to being the butt of the comic's jokes - or to being the sucker who surrenders his wedding ring to the Magician - only to have it wrapped in a marked up dollar bill prior to being stuffed into a lemon. So, unless you are a ham to the point of masochism, best to avoid the first ten rows.

How to learn something (info-tainment) -
Higher Education, here we come! More and more lines are offering onboard classes in venues that rival the most prestigious ivy league institutions. Cruise passengers can gobble up all the Brain Food they can eat - on such subjects as Culinary Arts, Wine Tasting, Investment Strategies, Ecology, Video Production, Computer Literacy (evidently there are computers out there that can't read or write) and so on. Some of these courses are free. Some have a cover charge.

And, if we may pause here for a bit of shameless self promotion - if there are any curriculum hungry cruise lines out there - be advised that the staff of PMC is armed and ready to present a full scale onboard graduate level course in Pimp-ology as it relates to the demographics and psychographics of the international cruise passenger. (We completed our "Master of Cruise Pimptations" thesis on this subject in 2008.)

Sample of our course content - Lesson Title -Appropriate terminology relative to observational behavior of the compulsive Cruise Pimper - as documented in both online forums and aboard ship.

Section I - Part A - The appropriate scientific terminology for an observed meeting of three or more Cruise Pimpers is officially referred to as a "Fuster Cluck", whether an in-the-flesh meeting or a virtual one online.

A meeting with large numbers in attendance is referred to as a "Pimped Fuster Cluck" - which, in polite company may be shortened to "PFC".

There are specific in between variations relative to factors such as how many are sufficiently sober to count beyond three, how many will actually remember the meeting, etc. These mid-sized encounters may be identified as "Mini-Fuster Clucks" and/or "Semi-Fuster Clucks".

Further clarification - any meeting that occurs on land or via the Internet is referred to as a "Dry Fuster Cluck". Conversely, one that occurs on board ship - or over any body of water larger than a small pond - is properly described as a "Wet Fuster Cluck".

A special appellation is applied to a gathering that results in a claim such as "I laughed so hard, I ______ myself" (subject under observation fills in the blank with the circumstantially operative word).

Any meeting that achieves this level of sophistication may be referred to retroactively as a "Howl Movement". (Note that the aforementioned Wet and Dry descriptors in the foregoing paragraph may also be used to preface this highly useful designation.)

For reasons of health and over-all well being, the faculty at PMCU recommends that subjects have at least one good "Howl Movement" each day. That subject is covered in depth in Section IV _ Part C: "How does one determine if one had a good time if one can't remember".

Section II - Part B -
Lest you think this terminology is becoming excessively complex - we shall clarify by the following example - the perusal of which should prove of assistance in real world usage.

Let's say, for instance, that the subject was observed attending a large gathering of dedicated Cruise Pimpers on a day at sea and the laughs were such that the study subject guffawed uncontrollably, involuntarily passed gas, sprayed Bacardi & Coke through the nose, or some such behavioral embarrassment. The tone and nature of this event could then be communicated expeditiously with laser like accuracy to those subjects unfortunate enough to not be in attendance - as well as being recorded for posterity - via the following declarative sentence:

Dear Diary,
Yesterday at 2:13pm Greenwich Median Time, we attended a Wet Pimped Fuster Cluck on Lido Deck which, due to some serious Over Pimping by the poolside waiters - devolved into a full blown Howl Movement.

Important Note - when within ear shot of the excessively polite or the tragically un-pimped, it may be advantageous to substitute the following acronyms for the three italicized descriptions above - WPFC, OP & HM, respectively.

So, you see it is well worth the time and effort to educate one's self - becoming intimately familiar with these unique terms, associated short forms and tenants for personal conduct. One should diligently practice their proper pronunciation, as well as appropriate social application. Being nothing less than a veritable lexicon* of insider terminology, these few simple words and/or phrases reek of the elegance, sophistication and opportunity that is only afforded through higher education.

*Sample Section of Reference Lexicon for Course Materials -

pimp - 1607, perhaps from M.Fr. pimper "to dress elegantly" (16c.), prp. Of pimpant "alluring in dress, seductive." Weekley suggests M.Fr.pimpreneau, defined in Cotgrave (1611) as "a knave, rascall, varlet, scoundrell." The word also means "informer, stool pigeon" in Australia and New Zealand and in S.Africa, where by early 1960s it existed in Swahili form impimpsi. The verb is attested from 1636.Pimpmobile first recorded 1973.
Pimp - first used in 1607 from Middle French "pimper" to dress elegantly. Also smart, sparkish; also to excel. One who provides gratification for the lust of others; a procurer, to pander.
Pimpant - alluring in dress, seductive
Pimpreneau - a knave, rascal, varlet, scoundrel
Pimp - p[i^]mp), n. [Cf. F. pimpant smart, sparkish; perh. akin to piper to pipe, formerly also, to excel. Cf. Pipe.] One who provides gratification for the lust of others; a procurer; a pander. -Swift
Pimp, v. i. [imp. & p. p. Pimped (p[i^]mt; 215); p. pr. & vb. n.Pimping.] To procure women for the gratification of others' lusts; to pander. --Dryden.
PIMP - acronym for Peeing In My Pants

Pimper nailed this course, baby...with honors...graduating Magna Cum Lobster. Now you're lookin' at a Doctor of Pimpology!

Course materials and text books have been printed in large quantities, anticipating high demand. Audio visuals are tested and ready. We are pumped, pimped and ready to roll out this course! Cruise line executives, are you listening?

Arranging private shows -
Hey, guys, I'd love to tell you that show girls from the chorus line can be hired to come to your cabin for a private lap dances. But, alas, it just isn't so.

First of all the cruise line wouldn't allow it. Secondly, the audience would most likely be limited to single passengers only. Otherwise, you'd have to have a very, very understanding spouse.

But here's a thought. Given the continuous rollout of new, outrageous and previously un-conceived-of activities like the zip line, climbing walls, specialty shops and themed night clubs - how long do you think it will be before some enterprising young cruise line entrepreneur will build a ship with a "Gentleman's Club" on board?

All it takes is a Scotch or two to bring the possibilities clearly into focus. The club would be complete with strobe lights, techno music and a stripper's pole - and located right next to the ship's chapel. Close proximity of these two seemingly conflicting venues would be a boon for two reasons:
A. It would facilitate the instant rehabilitation of club customers suddenly overcome with guilt. Full and immediate absolution would be possible before the spouse arrives on the scene.
B. All night participants in bachelor or bachelorette parties the night before a shipboard wedding would literally be able to crawl over to the next day's ceremony on hands and knees, should that prove necessary.

Sadly, it could be years before we see such a classy shipboard innovation. The interim solution - an onboard Stripper Pole Rental service. Newlyweds would be offered a weekly rate...Senior Citizens a special discounted hourly rate. These easily portable units could be delivered to the cabin, setup then later retrieved by highly discreet room stewards.

Currently, the closest thing to "private shows" is what goes down at your dining room table every evening. These spectacles are courtesy of very talented wait staff - a waiter or bus-person with a bag full of close-up magic tricks, a comedian, etc. - as discussed in the Pimp My Dining Experience section.

Additionally, themed groups traveling together often arrange for private meetings, speeches and/or performances by their leader or Pied Piper during the cruise. (see "Simon Cowell School of Charm Cruise" on the Pimp My Cruise Fare page) Meeting facilities are usually provided to groups free of charge.

And, lastly - if you know someone who knows someone who has a brother-in-law who works for the cruise line - you may be able to arrange for private tours of the galley, engine room and/or navigation bridge.

If all else fails - see if you can get a staff member to invite you down to the crew bar. What's that like, you ask? Well, do you remember the inter-galactic night club scene from the Star Wars movie?

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